Backstabbing — why does it happen and how to cope?

“Remember son. If you want to get ahead in this business, it’s not about what you know and who you know. It’s what you know about who you know”.

We find a lot of content on how to live positively, but very rarely do we see people talking about the shitty side of life and more importantly how to effectively cope with shitty situations. Backstabbing is one of those common scenarios that is a painful experience and most times leaves us unequipped to deal with it effectively, making us feel exasperated and stressed not knowing what the best solution is. This piece should hopefully give you more clarity on how to deal with backstabbing, if it ever happens to you.

What is backstabbing?

Backstabbing is an attempt to discredit (a person) by underhanded means, as innuendo, accusation, or the like. It is classic form of betrayal, the most popular of the lot too.

But, why does one play Judas in life?

Jealousy or insecurity — Backstabbers thrive on jealousy and insecurity. They are most likely operating from a mindset that you are better than them, and this might feel like a threat. Maybe they perceive your success, status, looks, lifestyle or character better than theirs and this intimidates them. They use discredit as a weapon to drag you down and paint a different picture of you.

Passive Aggression — Backstabbers will not come to you directly if they have a problem with you. They will find passive ways to handle their emotions. They will act normal around you, but then talk badly about you behind your back. This gives them leverage to gain a higher stance socially and in their peer groups.

Seeking recognition — Most backstabbers who take on passive aggressive methods to show their true emotions for you, could be seeking recognition or attention or favors from their peer group. They identify talking ill about you as a way to rise up in the social scene, because inherently gossip gives you a feeling of heightened connectedness with the one you gossip to.

Power hungry — It could also be a case where the backstabber has a long established history of backstabbing. It might just be engraved in their character to act out this way, which is hurtful to everyone around and more so to them in the long run. Backstabbing can make one feel empowered and give a false validation of being “powerful”.

How do you cope with backstabbing?

These are some useful pointers that helped me wiggle myself out of these situations.

Confrontation — If you find yourself in such a situation where someone has backstabbed you, the first best step is to confront the person. Never be vindictive with what you’ve heard being spoken about you, and truly allow the backstabber a chance to explain if and why they spoke the things they did. An environment to clear the air is absolutely warranted and the best approach to dealing with them. Also, this does not give the backstabber an advantage to find fault with your approach.

Give it time — Allow yourself to process your emotions. It is never easy to hear nasty things being said about you, especially by someone who was close. Allow yourself the time to accept and heal from the situation.

Arm’s length away — It is best advised to maintain distance from the backstabber, because it was an exploitation of your personal information and trust, and there is no guarantee this will not repeat itself. Once someone has negative intentions for you, it’s hard for that to be replaced with positive ones. It is always better to stay away from anyone who doesn’t think well of you or for you.

Live and let live — However hurt you might be, it is always advisable to take the higher road and not seek revenge. To let go of the situation and the backstabber is the best case scenario for you.

Learnings — Learn from this experience and see where you went wrong in trusting the wrong person. Getting backstabbed is a painful experience and the lessons you learn will help you avoid a similar situation in the future.

Last but never the least…

Shine your light — If there’s a perfect retribution to a backstabber, it is living your truth. While there can be a million people creating rumors about you, the ones that really hurt you is only the truth. So, if you live your life knowing the truth about your own self, there is nobody who can drag you down their dirty path. Shine your light and shine your truth.